| |
| |
|
Coaching Information |
|
|
|
Communicating Anger Compassionately
Whether it is irritability or unmitigated rage, anger is an emotion everyone knows about. Unfortunately, few people have been taught how to mange this feeling in an assertive and compassionate way. If we resort to raising our voice, yelling, or lashing out when we are angry; that is an aggressive expression of anger. Approximately 70% of people have a tendency to suppress anger. In other words, they bottle it up and lash out later. Bottling up feelings often leads to 'anger attacks'-those bursts of rage that leave you feeling guilty afterwards. Given the statistics, there is a 90% chance that you may not be communicating your anger in a compassionate way. What happens when anger is not communicated compassionately? In other words, what is the effect of either suppressive or aggressive anger behavior? Aside from destroying relationships and careers, the physical health affect of inappropriate anger management can be deadly. My review of the medical literature over the past 30 years on the effect of inappropriate anger behavior health suggests a direct link with heart disease, arthritis, MS, high blood pressure, cancer, and strokes to name a few. Such professionals as: Deepka Chopra, Bernie Siegal, Wayne Dyer, Carolyn Myss, Maryann Williamson, Louise Hay have reported the same conclusions. It has been reported a person with high anger has a risk of a heart attack that is three times more likely than someone who has low anger. It is also a fact that a woman is ten times more likely to die from heart disease than breast cancer with anger being an independent risk factor for the former illness. If you are a person who suppresses anger, you may have a greater likelihood of turning the anger toward yourself, known as depression, than someone who expresses anger assertively. Women resort turning the anger inward at roughly twice the rate of men. Men are encouraged and rewarded from a young age to externalize their anger. Women are encouraged and rewarded from a young age to turn their anger inward. One of the symptoms of even mild depression is insomnia. Insomnia in turn can lead to a weakened immune function, memory loss, and in the worst case, prevent tissue repair and being accident prone. As you can readily see, anger is not simply an unpleasant emotion. It can have a deadly influence on your health. However, note that anger per se is not the problem. It is what you do with the anger. So if you are angry with someone or some event, how can you communicate compassionately? Communicating anger compassionately requires a two step process. The first step involves communicating with yourself so that you understand the spiritual significance of your anger. The second step is expressing your anger compassionately involves getting your needs met without harming others. It also means forgiving others. Step I: Communicate with yourself by reframing your anger. Instead of blaming the other person or event when you are angry, ask the question, "What is my anger teaching me about myself?" You need to shift the negative focus off the 'other' person or event and direct the questions to yourself. In fact you can harness this very powerful energy and use it for healing in the broadest sense of the term. Think of your anger as a doorway to some virtue that you need to learn. It could be that you need to learn personal responsibility, a greater sense of self-esteem, compassion or creativity. Anger is a barometer that can help you assess where you need to do spiritual work on yourself. If for example you are angry because you have been abused in a relationship the message of your anger could be that you need to stop being a victim. In other words, it is a self-esteem issue. It means loving yourself more. Loving yourself means realizing that you are one with everyone from a divine standpoint. Avoid confusing this with the ego belief that you are superior or inferior to anyone else. It means that you do not tolerate your own inner dialogue of criticism. It also implies that you may need to garner the courage to speak up when you need to set boundaries. After taking corrective action to restore your self-esteem, the second step is to nurture it on a regular basis, so it continues to grow. If you think you are victimized and are angry about it, then you need to ask yourself, "What mistaken belief patterns am I still holding?" Your anger is simply sending the message that, 'some thing is not right.' It is up to you to figure out what is not right in your belief pattern. Your task is to change these beliefs of unworthiness to beliefs of infinite potential. While your anger can teach you about self-esteem, it can also teach many other virtues. For example, you may need to learn personal responsibility. Without personal responsibility for the affairs of your life, it is virtually impossible to succeed in any major area of your life. Although you may have legitimate concerns in your life, the important point, however, is your ability to respond to such concerns and your decision to learn from them. From a spiritual sense, a 'problem' really does not exist. It is how you interpret and label the 'problem.' If you label your concern as a 'problem' in your mind, then it is likely that you will trigger anger. The message of your anger is that you need to change your label of 'problem' into a label of 'learning.' If you are able to do this, this will solve 99% of your emotional pain. Often it is too difficult for us to accept personal responsibility because we think we are separate from each other. One meaning of responsibility is the 'ability to respond.' Before you respond to a stimulus (e.g. an outside event or something someone said to you), there is a gap between the stimulus and your response. It is within this space that you have the opportunity to think and choose your response instead of automatically doing what you have been doing all along (i.e. being reactive). It is not what you experience; it is how you choose to think about what you experience. If you have found the spiritual meaning of your anger, you may not need any verbal or written communication with the 'offending' party. Sometimes, however, you may need to verbally communicate your anger. In this case, you can communicate assertively. Step II: Communicate assertively with others: As a general principle, your goal for the communication is to dialogue and not simply have a one-way lecture. Further, your goal is to achieve a sense of peace at the end of the conversation by having a better understanding of the person and the situation. You will need to take the following steps to express your anger. 1. Avoid expressing your anger in the heat of the moment. Give yourself plenty of time to think about what you want to say. It could be hours or days. 2. Before starting the conversation, have eye contact with the person and have a relaxed pleasant body posture and facial expression. There are studies, which show that the act of pleasant and relaxed body posture and facial expression, itself reduces tension. 3. Listen to what the other person has to say by repeating or playing back (paraphrase) what he or she has said. Encourage the person you are speaking with to play back (paraphrase) what he or she has heard you say. 4. Empathize with the other person. For example: "I know this is a difficult subject to talk about." It will soften any negative feedback you need to convey. 5. Start the conversation with "I" rather than "You" statements. Remember, you are the one who is experiencing the angry feelings and the other person is simply the 'trigger.' There is no such thing as 'blame from a spiritual standpoint. Communicate your needs with statements such as, "What are your thoughts?" or "Here is my request." Finally close the conversation with a positive note, such as; "It was good to talk with you about this. I have a better understanding." Sometimes of course, this kind of communication will not work. You may need to take physical action such as leaving the room until the person is willing to listen in a calm un-hostile way. In the worst case scenario you might need to terminate a relationship or a job. If a person has left your life and you are unable to express your feelings, what can you do? In this case, communicate through forgiveness. To forgive means that you erase a negative memory or picture of someone with a positive one. It does not mean condoning someone's negative actions or letting them off the hook. It merely means that you will no longer hold any anger towards them. Forgiveness is for your healing and your well being. Forgiveness frees you to learn from the experience. It is important that you learn to forgive the person, but not forget the spiritual lesson that was behind the experience. Until you forgive, the blocked energy of resentment will remain within you. Either of two things will happen: it might materialize as disease, or angry events will occur in the future in order that you learn the lesson of forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is so important. Embrace your anger and learn from it. Instead of pushing it aside or expressing it aggressively, communicate with compassion so that it can aid you on your evolutionary growth to wholeness. Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing for Individuals, Special Issues and Professional Coaching. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.gen-assist.com.
MORE RESOURCES:
Coaching - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How to Effectively Balance Your Work and Family Life What Is Your Definition of Success?If you want to create balance in your life, it is important to know how you define success. The following list is a place to start. Happiness and Work: Your Life Depends On It. Early one morning, Robert awoke, made his wife of 41 years some banana bread, took out the garbage and called to cancel a doctors appointment scheduled for the next day. He wrote a note to remind his wife to pick up the dry cleaning. Listening Skills In Relationships Recently, when out to dinner with another couple, my husband is surprised at what someone says about one of our neighbors. He even comments this to the person about his amazement. Be A Champion Communicator by Becoming a Chameleon Recently, I worked with a client who was having a problem with some of the women in her organization. The organization had just undergone major changes, which resulted in different reporting relationships for many of the women. How to Quickly and Easily Deal With Rude People Where I live there seems to be a a growing population of rude and vulgar people. And no matter how hard I wish for things to change it is not going to happen. Embracing Excellence Joey rises before dawn to pack his lunch, eager for morning to arrive so he can board the city bus that transports him to his job at a souvenir production facility. From 8:00 a. The X-factor Would you agree that today most of us have the same set of opportunities and the same set potential?If you agree with me, then perhaps you might like to consider this puzzling question: if we all have the same opportunities and potential why are some people more successful than others?It could be said that some people are more privileged than others, and while this is certainly true, you could argue that there is proof in every day life of people who started off with zero and went on to accumulate incredible wealth. It could be said that some people have better academic ability than others and while this is true you could argue the case of all the people who achieved success after years of under-achieving in education. 9 Guidelines For Spiritual Coaching Spirituality coaching is more than creating goals and holding someone accountable. Spirituality coaching takes into account the whole person, that is, mind, body and spirit. Freedom for All; Is it Possible? Freedom for all species and people, and freedom of stress; is it possible? Could the Internet be a tool to getting there?Freedom, what is it? I am an Internet writer whose job is to write about the Internet. Does that mean I am locked into this one area? Am I allowed to write about other things? Well today I am going to test out my supposed freedom, by writing about freedom. Action NOT Reaction Do you feel you are in charge of your life do you really believe that you control your destiny? Or you are of those people who feel manipulated all the time, they are doing things and they don't know, why? Do you have the sense that you are a wooden puppet that someone else pulls the strings?I have an answer for you.Psychologists have proven that human decisions are based on emotions, and once an emotional decision is made they use their logical part of the brain to justify that decision. What You See is What You Get H. Jackson Brown Jr. Strategic Checklists I've been through a couple of checklists in the past few days, and it's reaffirmed my faith in their effectiveness as a communication tool.Now, there are at least a couple of ways we can look at checklists in a communication context. The Self Development Tool Box Do you have a self-development toolbox? Do you have a standard set of instruments or mechanisms that you use to delve into your inner self? Just asking yourself those questions makes you think, doesn't it? That is because questioning is the most powerful tool in your self-development toolbox. When we start on the self-development path it is usually because we have asked ourselves a question: who am I, what is it I want, why am I in this position, when can I change, where will this happen and how can I make it happen? Questions can be about us or about others and are used as identifiers. Are You Seduced by The Dark Side of Wealth Creation? Get-Rich-Quick Scammers With the growing number of expert business people, consultants and coaches keen to make money from multiple streams of income I thought I'd share a WARNING to help you spot genuinely useful information from dangerous scams.There's a very simple seduction trick that is deadly powerful when it comes to parting the masses (whether they consider themselves highly intelligent or not) with their cash. Four Common Rapport Building Mistakes and How to Fix Them 1. Pretending You Are Interested When You Are NotDo yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the people you spend time with. Why Bosses Dont Get All the News Not long ago, a friend who works in television complained that the industry has no interest in real business stories. And, I had to agree with him, since we don't see much coverage that doesn't involve stock prices or some sort of scandal. 3 Keys to Making Small Talk Easy to Do Small talk used to be really hard work for me. I never knew what to say and I always worried about saying the wrong thing. Tips For Singles On Celebrating The New Year It's four weeks away and you don't have any plans. Many of your friends will be away or out with their significant others. Fear Is Nothing To Be Afraid Of! What do you do when fear shows up? Do you hide under the covers of life, shivering as you anxiously wait for the moment to pass or do you stand up with a confident smile and embrace it?Your answer to this simple question will have a considerable impact on the level of freedom, excitement and empowerment you experience on a daily basis. Whatever your response, the thing to remember is that your fears are nothing to be afraid of!What is Fear?The Oxford dictionary defines fear as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the expectation of pain". You Are Never Trapped! "The meaning of life is that it stops." -Franz Kafka (1883-1924)A good friend of mine graduated from Boston University Law School.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
